Daddy, I don’t understand
How this could be part of God’s plan.
You look at me like I’m not there
And act like you don’t even care.

You never left home while I grew
But your love I never quite knew.
You weren’t even part of my life–
Except when your words cut like a knife!

Then when you called me a whore,
I never knew what that was for….
But Daddy, I’m starting to see.
Daddy, you helped do this to me!

You were wrong when you said
God couldn’t love me.
He loves and accepts me, it’s true.
He knows about all that has happened.
And Daddy, He even loves you!

I know you were hurt as a young man.
That’s part of why you hurt me too.
Daddy, I don’t really hate you,
But I’m wounded. I carry scars too.

God knows about Daddys and daughters.
He knows about all of the pain.
With a heart of tender compassion
He longs to free us from the shame.

But Daddy, you have to admit it–
That you need help and that you were wrong.
Then He can mercifully help you
To turn your sorrow into a song.

God gave me people to show me
How Daddy’s should love little girls.
I am so glad that I know now–

I’m not bad! I’m His loved little girl!

34-I Survived!

January 19, 2009

They said there was no hope for me–
They said I’d surely lose.
They said God couldn’t forgive me–
That destruction was all I could choose.

They said I got what I asked for,
I deserved everything that came.
They said they were better than I was
And that it would never change.

They said that I was stupid and fat
Nobody would ever care.
They said no one would believe me
If my pain I tried to share.

They said I was the family disgrace
(Like the Aunt they couldn’t stand).
They told me they wished I had never been born
(Forgetting life comes from God’s hands).

Guess kids are tough and hard to destroy
No matter how hard you try.
Whatever they did, God gave me the grace–
I’m here to rejoice, I SURVIVED!

33-It Was “That Bad!”

January 19, 2009

Denial–what a wonderful way
To make it through another day.

Take a drink to numb the pain
That’s not really there (it’s all hard to explain).

Pop a pill (not for a thrill)
But just to survive, if you must act alive.

“The way out is through…” so what do I do?
I’m hurt! I’m afraid.
I don’t know what to say!

Am I too bad for God to redeem?
There’s my failure before
(I’m not what I seem).

The pain won’t go away.
The guilt seems here to stay.
Too scared to live. Too tired to die.
Got no more tears left to cry.

Denial worked–now it’s gone.
I hurt. I’m alone.
Not sure how to go on.

Where do I belong?
Been to hell…know it well!
Don’t have a soul left to sell.

So I open my heart–it’s a start.
Rescue me, God.
Or again, as before,
I am gone.
I come to You as I am.
Will You also turn me away?

32-Where Did I Go?

January 19, 2009

The missing years, the empty fears
The empty space hiding my disgrace
(Even from myself…..)

I’m still afraid-that’s nothing new.
Fear’s my old friend–it got me through.

I fractured like a pot of clay
When I “let” the perverts have their way.

I sold my soul to a twisted man
Then fractured again–all I understand.

I didn’t have the tools to be
Whatever it took to be safe or free.

I became a reflection of anyone near
Trying to hide the hurt and the fear.

God, were you there? Did You care?
Do You share the hurt and fear?

Can I be healed? Do I matter at all?
Will I ever be able to feel?

Help me, if You’re there.
I can’t do this alone.
I have nowhere to go.
I won’t let anybody care.

Will You?

“Come on, go with me me-I’ve a game to play…”
(But you can’t believe what big boys say!)
But when my body squirms in strange delight
I know it’s wrong and will never be right.

This can’t be happening-
(I’m just a child!)
But my body responds
And this pervert goes wild.

A response is what he’d been waiting to see–
But why not someone else?
God, why’d it have to be me?

I can’t see the faces
But my body recalls
All the sensations
And that I was small.

This is one picture
I don’t want to see–
I don’t want to accept
That it really was me.

Even though they tell me
We are made to respond
I feel so damned guilty
I don’t want to go on.

So I punish my body
Even yet to this day
Because I was painfully
By my body betrayed.

12-Snakes (*trigger post*)

January 19, 2009

Slithering through the grass
Moving really fast….
He holds the big one high.
(The little girls starts to cry).

Please, no! Not again!
I promise I won’t tell.
I must be really awful
To already live in hell).

Not inside!
Nowhere to hide.
It’s long forked tongue-
(God! I’m so young!)

I try to scream
But he is mean.
(Why am I bad?)
He looks so glad…

I will not tell.
(This must be hell).
His thick, hard snake–
(It makes me shake).
But the skinny one
With the pointed tongue–
Nowhere to hide
As he shoves it inside.

I cannot scream–
(Too afraid. No words to say).
Through the grass,
Moving really fast.
(I must be bad).
This cannot last.
Nowhere to run.
Soon he is done.

A vow is made to never say
The things that were done there that day.

Inside I run, never to be free.
Never again to walk through the grass
Without the fear that is always so near.
Never, never again.

They laugh, I cry!
(God, tell me why!
What did I do
To be left by you?)

I want to die.
I cannot cry.
So I pretend to live again.
But inside, still I know.
Inside, I will always know!

10-Mommy’s Tears

January 18, 2009

Mommy, why are you crying?
Why do you always look sad?
Did I do something to hurt you?
Did you find out I really was bad?

You tell me each day that I’m ugly,
That I’ll never look good like you do.
You tell me I’ll just be a failure
‘Cause that’s all that this family can do.

Mommy, are you scared that I’m better?
Is that why you hurt me each day?
Are you scared that I won’t be a loser,
And so you are making me pay?

They said you would kill them if you found out–
We’d lose everything that we had.
I’m too little to understand killing
But it scares me–it sounds really bad!

It makes me feel angry and dirty,
But there’s no where I can go to hide.
Oh Mommy, forgive me. I’m sorry.
I didn’t know I’m the reason you cry.