34-I Survived!

January 19, 2009

They said there was no hope for me–
They said I’d surely lose.
They said God couldn’t forgive me–
That destruction was all I could choose.

They said I got what I asked for,
I deserved everything that came.
They said they were better than I was
And that it would never change.

They said that I was stupid and fat
Nobody would ever care.
They said no one would believe me
If my pain I tried to share.

They said I was the family disgrace
(Like the Aunt they couldn’t stand).
They told me they wished I had never been born
(Forgetting life comes from God’s hands).

Guess kids are tough and hard to destroy
No matter how hard you try.
Whatever they did, God gave me the grace–
I’m here to rejoice, I SURVIVED!

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33-It Was “That Bad!”

January 19, 2009

Denial–what a wonderful way
To make it through another day.

Take a drink to numb the pain
That’s not really there (it’s all hard to explain).

Pop a pill (not for a thrill)
But just to survive, if you must act alive.

“The way out is through…” so what do I do?
I’m hurt! I’m afraid.
I don’t know what to say!

Am I too bad for God to redeem?
There’s my failure before
(I’m not what I seem).

The pain won’t go away.
The guilt seems here to stay.
Too scared to live. Too tired to die.
Got no more tears left to cry.

Denial worked–now it’s gone.
I hurt. I’m alone.
Not sure how to go on.

Where do I belong?
Been to hell…know it well!
Don’t have a soul left to sell.

So I open my heart–it’s a start.
Rescue me, God.
Or again, as before,
I am gone.
I come to You as I am.
Will You also turn me away?

32-Where Did I Go?

January 19, 2009

The missing years, the empty fears
The empty space hiding my disgrace
(Even from myself…..)

I’m still afraid-that’s nothing new.
Fear’s my old friend–it got me through.

I fractured like a pot of clay
When I “let” the perverts have their way.

I sold my soul to a twisted man
Then fractured again–all I understand.

I didn’t have the tools to be
Whatever it took to be safe or free.

I became a reflection of anyone near
Trying to hide the hurt and the fear.

God, were you there? Did You care?
Do You share the hurt and fear?

Can I be healed? Do I matter at all?
Will I ever be able to feel?

Help me, if You’re there.
I can’t do this alone.
I have nowhere to go.
I won’t let anybody care.

Will You?

31-Sunday Morning Saint

January 19, 2009

(to all the “good Christian” abusers in my life)

He’s a Sunday Morning Saint-
Looks so good (but really ain’t)
As he gathers his children ’round,
Drags them off to holy ground.

Daddy loves to scream and shout
And dump his fury out
To control those who are near
With some rage, some threats, some fear.

Their Daddy loves to sing
And proclaim Christ is his “king.”
Yep, he’s “worshipping the Lord”
(While his kids wonder what for).

See, their Daddy is a “righteous man>”
He just has some “secrets” planned.
He’s got all this “love” to share
With the children in His care.

Guess their Daddy doesn’t know
They may pay with tender souls.
The love he thinks is free
Could cost some eternally.

Bitter tears uncried
Can fester deep inside.
They may pay for Daddy’s sin
Laying down their lives for him.

This Sunday morning saint
Who pretends to be what he ain’t
Creates a living hell
For the kids who know him too well.

27-If We Ever Tried to Tell

January 19, 2009

He said we’d go to hell
If we ever tried to tell;
that we were the ones to blame
Since we played his little “game.”

But when she told it all
(Assuming HE would fall)
None of us girls knew
What they were going to put her through.

They said she was a whore–
That “she got what she asked for.”
We listened to her plight
Then shook with rage and fright.

We’d done the best we could
but it hadn’t done any good.
They let this snake go free
And judged girls like her and me!

We watched them tell her
That God would forgive her
If she confessed how bad she’d been.

We watched them tell her
To keep her mouth shut
And not speak against this “good” man.

We watched him laugh
And snicker with glee
Then go out and do it again!!!

We were punished–
We live with the shame.
While he got away with it all.

Some got diseases,
Some just got crazy.
Some died with no help to call.

Still there are those
Who have a desire
To believe this is not how things were.

They want to pretend
It all would have been fine
“If it wasn’t for people like her.”

I learned from observing
How all this went down
That there is no help in the church.

The truth brought you bondage–
It didn’t “set you free”.
In fact, it made everything worse!

So don’t trust the Pharisees–
They cover their ears
And don’t ever believe what you say.

If you look to them
You’ll be dying alone.
That’s just the reasonable way.

25-Child of Mind

January 19, 2009

Look, you child rapist,
What did you mean
When you made that saintly
Sick little scene?

In your nice blue suit
Oh so “righteously”
You sand in tribute
Of your Mom’s memory.

The church was full
Of people you knew–
But oh, you fraud!
If they only knew you!

Instead of your smiling
Religious face–
You would roast and twist
In hot disgrace.

Perhaps your victims
Would cut off your….
And nail them up
To a handy wall….

We’d get revenge
For all you’ve done
In the name of God
(May His Kingdom come!)

We’d shout your secrets
Nice and loud–
Tell what you did
And broadcast how
In the name of love
And a “Shepherd’s Concern”
You molested the sheep,
Each one in turn.

And those who needed
God’s love could find
How effectively you
Could mess up their minds.

You hypocrite!
I wish you knew
Just what it was
You put us through!

We paid a price
For believing your lies.
Most of us live
And hope you die–
SLOWLY!

23-Thanks, Teach!

January 19, 2009

Gut ache, heart break.
Time to run the track.

Dress down. Calm down.
(Afraid I’ll puke in back).

Don’t stop. Can’t talk.
Teacher’ll throw a fit.

She doesn’t know. It doesn’t show.
(But my body can’t forget).

Try hard. Stay on guard.
Nobody understands.

Past the place of my disgrace
We trudge at her command.

I’m not the same. So much has changed!
I vomit from the fear.

But teacher yells….I shout, “Go to hell!”
(I’m doing the best I can!)

By the place where I was raped
I vomit again and again.

But teacher screams–(Is this part of the dream?)
Nope. I flunked her class again.