Daddy, I don’t understand
How this could be part of God’s plan.
You look at me like I’m not there
And act like you don’t even care.

You never left home while I grew
But your love I never quite knew.
You weren’t even part of my life–
Except when your words cut like a knife!

Then when you called me a whore,
I never knew what that was for….
But Daddy, I’m starting to see.
Daddy, you helped do this to me!

You were wrong when you said
God couldn’t love me.
He loves and accepts me, it’s true.
He knows about all that has happened.
And Daddy, He even loves you!

I know you were hurt as a young man.
That’s part of why you hurt me too.
Daddy, I don’t really hate you,
But I’m wounded. I carry scars too.

God knows about Daddys and daughters.
He knows about all of the pain.
With a heart of tender compassion
He longs to free us from the shame.

But Daddy, you have to admit it–
That you need help and that you were wrong.
Then He can mercifully help you
To turn your sorrow into a song.

God gave me people to show me
How Daddy’s should love little girls.
I am so glad that I know now–

I’m not bad! I’m His loved little girl!

34-I Survived!

January 19, 2009

They said there was no hope for me–
They said I’d surely lose.
They said God couldn’t forgive me–
That destruction was all I could choose.

They said I got what I asked for,
I deserved everything that came.
They said they were better than I was
And that it would never change.

They said that I was stupid and fat
Nobody would ever care.
They said no one would believe me
If my pain I tried to share.

They said I was the family disgrace
(Like the Aunt they couldn’t stand).
They told me they wished I had never been born
(Forgetting life comes from God’s hands).

Guess kids are tough and hard to destroy
No matter how hard you try.
Whatever they did, God gave me the grace–
I’m here to rejoice, I SURVIVED!

33-It Was “That Bad!”

January 19, 2009

Denial–what a wonderful way
To make it through another day.

Take a drink to numb the pain
That’s not really there (it’s all hard to explain).

Pop a pill (not for a thrill)
But just to survive, if you must act alive.

“The way out is through…” so what do I do?
I’m hurt! I’m afraid.
I don’t know what to say!

Am I too bad for God to redeem?
There’s my failure before
(I’m not what I seem).

The pain won’t go away.
The guilt seems here to stay.
Too scared to live. Too tired to die.
Got no more tears left to cry.

Denial worked–now it’s gone.
I hurt. I’m alone.
Not sure how to go on.

Where do I belong?
Been to hell…know it well!
Don’t have a soul left to sell.

So I open my heart–it’s a start.
Rescue me, God.
Or again, as before,
I am gone.
I come to You as I am.
Will You also turn me away?

32-Where Did I Go?

January 19, 2009

The missing years, the empty fears
The empty space hiding my disgrace
(Even from myself…..)

I’m still afraid-that’s nothing new.
Fear’s my old friend–it got me through.

I fractured like a pot of clay
When I “let” the perverts have their way.

I sold my soul to a twisted man
Then fractured again–all I understand.

I didn’t have the tools to be
Whatever it took to be safe or free.

I became a reflection of anyone near
Trying to hide the hurt and the fear.

God, were you there? Did You care?
Do You share the hurt and fear?

Can I be healed? Do I matter at all?
Will I ever be able to feel?

Help me, if You’re there.
I can’t do this alone.
I have nowhere to go.
I won’t let anybody care.

Will You?

31-Sunday Morning Saint

January 19, 2009

(to all the “good Christian” abusers in my life)

He’s a Sunday Morning Saint-
Looks so good (but really ain’t)
As he gathers his children ’round,
Drags them off to holy ground.

Daddy loves to scream and shout
And dump his fury out
To control those who are near
With some rage, some threats, some fear.

Their Daddy loves to sing
And proclaim Christ is his “king.”
Yep, he’s “worshipping the Lord”
(While his kids wonder what for).

See, their Daddy is a “righteous man>”
He just has some “secrets” planned.
He’s got all this “love” to share
With the children in His care.

Guess their Daddy doesn’t know
They may pay with tender souls.
The love he thinks is free
Could cost some eternally.

Bitter tears uncried
Can fester deep inside.
They may pay for Daddy’s sin
Laying down their lives for him.

This Sunday morning saint
Who pretends to be what he ain’t
Creates a living hell
For the kids who know him too well.

28-The Old Ladies Say

January 19, 2009

“You have wonderful parents,”
The old ladies say.
And I smile and say, “Thank you,”
In my most gracious way.

(If only they knew
What goes on at home,
They’d never believe
There’s a God on his throne!)

“They do so much for others,”
The old ladies say.
“I’ve known them for years.”
(You don’t know them today!)

Hey, little old lady,
I’ve got news for you!
You’ve got NO idea
What my parents can do!

The yelling, the cussing,
The violence and fear–
Our house don’t sound like heaven
(Let me make that point clear!)

But I smile and say, “Thank you,”
While I hate their sweet guts
For saying I’m so lucky
To be raised by these nuts!

Jesus loves the little children?
Oh really? Yes, I see…
He must love the other children
(This don’t look like love to me!)

In the car, while Mom hits Dad
And we sit in the back
Afraid and sad
As we drive to the church
And park in a row
Where all those nice people
That Jesus loves go…..

I think of the words
Those nice ladies say,
“You can get what you want
From God if you pray.”
So I pray, and I pray,
And I pray and I pray….
(But it never makes
The pain go away).

So sometimes I wonder why
I am so bad
That Jesus can’t love me
And neither can Dad.