28-The Old Ladies Say

January 19, 2009

“You have wonderful parents,”
The old ladies say.
And I smile and say, “Thank you,”
In my most gracious way.

(If only they knew
What goes on at home,
They’d never believe
There’s a God on his throne!)

“They do so much for others,”
The old ladies say.
“I’ve known them for years.”
(You don’t know them today!)

Hey, little old lady,
I’ve got news for you!
You’ve got NO idea
What my parents can do!

The yelling, the cussing,
The violence and fear–
Our house don’t sound like heaven
(Let me make that point clear!)

But I smile and say, “Thank you,”
While I hate their sweet guts
For saying I’m so lucky
To be raised by these nuts!

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27-If We Ever Tried to Tell

January 19, 2009

He said we’d go to hell
If we ever tried to tell;
that we were the ones to blame
Since we played his little “game.”

But when she told it all
(Assuming HE would fall)
None of us girls knew
What they were going to put her through.

They said she was a whore–
That “she got what she asked for.”
We listened to her plight
Then shook with rage and fright.

We’d done the best we could
but it hadn’t done any good.
They let this snake go free
And judged girls like her and me!

We watched them tell her
That God would forgive her
If she confessed how bad she’d been.

We watched them tell her
To keep her mouth shut
And not speak against this “good” man.

We watched him laugh
And snicker with glee
Then go out and do it again!!!

We were punished–
We live with the shame.
While he got away with it all.

Some got diseases,
Some just got crazy.
Some died with no help to call.

Still there are those
Who have a desire
To believe this is not how things were.

They want to pretend
It all would have been fine
“If it wasn’t for people like her.”

I learned from observing
How all this went down
That there is no help in the church.

The truth brought you bondage–
It didn’t “set you free”.
In fact, it made everything worse!

So don’t trust the Pharisees–
They cover their ears
And don’t ever believe what you say.

If you look to them
You’ll be dying alone.
That’s just the reasonable way.

26-I Know What He Was

January 19, 2009

My heart racing, in fear facing
The threats that he made–still afraid.

Can’t comprehend–
Thought that he was my friend.
The price of this friendship?
Control. My soul.

He got what he wanted–
(No price was too high).
He’d been taking it all for so long.

I wasn’t the first
(I sure wasn’t the worst!)
So glad I know now what he was.

But I was a fool-
An unfortunate tool.
A way he could get what he sought.

I made him a trade–
(Does that make me a whore?
Gave him my self-respect
For his time?)

I thought that he cared.
Just wasn’t aware of the cost.
I’m shattered, not flattered!
But I wasn’t bad
(I just needed a Dad).
Wanted someone to care-
A person to value my life.
Someone to say,
“I’m with you today.
I’ll be there for you…
Trust me, I care.”

But he lied!
Took what he wanted
Then cast me aside.
Arrogant man of pride.
So much to hide
All still denied.

betrayal, pain….the xxxxx wins again.

BUT NOT NOW!

I know how to be safe.
Guard my space.
It’s OK. I’m not afraid.

A price I paid for my soul
To take back control.
I won’t give it away.
I choose today to live.

25-Child of Mind

January 19, 2009

Look, you child rapist,
What did you mean
When you made that saintly
Sick little scene?

In your nice blue suit
Oh so “righteously”
You sand in tribute
Of your Mom’s memory.

The church was full
Of people you knew–
But oh, you fraud!
If they only knew you!

Instead of your smiling
Religious face–
You would roast and twist
In hot disgrace.

Perhaps your victims
Would cut off your….
And nail them up
To a handy wall….

We’d get revenge
For all you’ve done
In the name of God
(May His Kingdom come!)

We’d shout your secrets
Nice and loud–
Tell what you did
And broadcast how
In the name of love
And a “Shepherd’s Concern”
You molested the sheep,
Each one in turn.

And those who needed
God’s love could find
How effectively you
Could mess up their minds.

You hypocrite!
I wish you knew
Just what it was
You put us through!

We paid a price
For believing your lies.
Most of us live
And hope you die–
SLOWLY!

24-Love Is

January 19, 2009

Love is a chain
You bear with shame
As you take the blame
For the secrets with no name.

Love is pain.

Love is being captive to fears,
Eyes red from the tears
You’ve held back for years
But now cry.

Love is learning to deny.

Love is giving up the right
To feel safe at night,
Or to put up a fight
Or look like you might.

Love is pretending you’re alright.

Love is trying not to feel
Wound you fear God cannot heal,
Wounds you pray cannot be real
But are.

Love is a bloody scar.

Love is praying to die
While protecting the lie
And not questioning why
The price is so high.

Love is a heavy load.

23-Thanks, Teach!

January 19, 2009

Gut ache, heart break.
Time to run the track.

Dress down. Calm down.
(Afraid I’ll puke in back).

Don’t stop. Can’t talk.
Teacher’ll throw a fit.

She doesn’t know. It doesn’t show.
(But my body can’t forget).

Try hard. Stay on guard.
Nobody understands.

Past the place of my disgrace
We trudge at her command.

I’m not the same. So much has changed!
I vomit from the fear.

But teacher yells….I shout, “Go to hell!”
(I’m doing the best I can!)

By the place where I was raped
I vomit again and again.

But teacher screams–(Is this part of the dream?)
Nope. I flunked her class again.

22-All a bad dream?

January 19, 2009

Why! Why! Why?
Why can’t I scream
Instead of pretending
It’s all a bad dream?

“Go for a walk with me….”
(That’s what he said.)
Like a fool, I trusted–
Now I wish I was dead!

“I just want to talk to you…..”
(Ya, fella, sure!
This don’t feel like talking
And I didn’t say a word!)

I went out there a virgin,
Now I feel like a whore.
A part of me died
And I’m not sure what for.

Maybe because I trusted a man–
A stupid move that won’t happen again!