Daddy, I don’t understand
How this could be part of God’s plan.
You look at me like I’m not there
And act like you don’t even care.

You never left home while I grew
But your love I never quite knew.
You weren’t even part of my life–
Except when your words cut like a knife!

Then when you called me a whore,
I never knew what that was for….
But Daddy, I’m starting to see.
Daddy, you helped do this to me!

You were wrong when you said
God couldn’t love me.
He loves and accepts me, it’s true.
He knows about all that has happened.
And Daddy, He even loves you!

I know you were hurt as a young man.
That’s part of why you hurt me too.
Daddy, I don’t really hate you,
But I’m wounded. I carry scars too.

God knows about Daddys and daughters.
He knows about all of the pain.
With a heart of tender compassion
He longs to free us from the shame.

But Daddy, you have to admit it–
That you need help and that you were wrong.
Then He can mercifully help you
To turn your sorrow into a song.

God gave me people to show me
How Daddy’s should love little girls.
I am so glad that I know now–

I’m not bad! I’m His loved little girl!

34-I Survived!

January 19, 2009

They said there was no hope for me–
They said I’d surely lose.
They said God couldn’t forgive me–
That destruction was all I could choose.

They said I got what I asked for,
I deserved everything that came.
They said they were better than I was
And that it would never change.

They said that I was stupid and fat
Nobody would ever care.
They said no one would believe me
If my pain I tried to share.

They said I was the family disgrace
(Like the Aunt they couldn’t stand).
They told me they wished I had never been born
(Forgetting life comes from God’s hands).

Guess kids are tough and hard to destroy
No matter how hard you try.
Whatever they did, God gave me the grace–
I’m here to rejoice, I SURVIVED!

33-It Was “That Bad!”

January 19, 2009

Denial–what a wonderful way
To make it through another day.

Take a drink to numb the pain
That’s not really there (it’s all hard to explain).

Pop a pill (not for a thrill)
But just to survive, if you must act alive.

“The way out is through…” so what do I do?
I’m hurt! I’m afraid.
I don’t know what to say!

Am I too bad for God to redeem?
There’s my failure before
(I’m not what I seem).

The pain won’t go away.
The guilt seems here to stay.
Too scared to live. Too tired to die.
Got no more tears left to cry.

Denial worked–now it’s gone.
I hurt. I’m alone.
Not sure how to go on.

Where do I belong?
Been to hell…know it well!
Don’t have a soul left to sell.

So I open my heart–it’s a start.
Rescue me, God.
Or again, as before,
I am gone.
I come to You as I am.
Will You also turn me away?

32-Where Did I Go?

January 19, 2009

The missing years, the empty fears
The empty space hiding my disgrace
(Even from myself…..)

I’m still afraid-that’s nothing new.
Fear’s my old friend–it got me through.

I fractured like a pot of clay
When I “let” the perverts have their way.

I sold my soul to a twisted man
Then fractured again–all I understand.

I didn’t have the tools to be
Whatever it took to be safe or free.

I became a reflection of anyone near
Trying to hide the hurt and the fear.

God, were you there? Did You care?
Do You share the hurt and fear?

Can I be healed? Do I matter at all?
Will I ever be able to feel?

Help me, if You’re there.
I can’t do this alone.
I have nowhere to go.
I won’t let anybody care.

Will You?

30-From a “Nice” Family

January 19, 2009

“Spend the night at your house?
I’d love to. Sure.”
Sounds like fun.
(Didn’t know what was in store).

How funny, I thought.
Could she want to be friends?
(I didn’t realize she liked women…
Not just men.)

I was naive and stupid.
I didn’t have a clue
What this “nice” respectable
Girl planned to do.

“Here…wear this negligee…
It looks good on you.
You can sleep in my bed–
I’ve got room for you.”

WHY is she touching me?!?!?!
(This is getting real weird!)
“Kiss me,” she says.
God! It’s worse than I feared!

But who would believe me
Or who’d even care?
I came from the gutter–
She came from “up there.”

If something bad happened
The cause had to be me.
It couldn’t be her
From that “nice family.”

If I called my parents
To come rescue me,
They’d be too embarrassed,
Sure the problem was me.

They’d already taught me
I was dirty and bad.
So I couldn’t expect help
From my mother or dad.

I kept begging and begging her,
“Please, won’t you quit!?
I don’t like what you’re doing–
It makes me feel sick!”

When she went to sleep,
I wanted to go home.
But midnight is too late
To walk ten miles alone.

The next day, I left there
As soon as I could
And tried to forget
I could never be “good.”

At church I pretended
She was what she seemed
And tried not to vomit
Or make a bad scene.

Years later, I found out
Her brother raped her for years.
(But it didn’t stop my nightmares
Or dry all the tears).

The moral of the story is:
Who gives a damn
When you come from the side
Of the tracks that I’m from.
If bad things happen
To come your way,
It’s because “you asked for it”
That’s what they all say.

25-Child of Mind

January 19, 2009

Look, you child rapist,
What did you mean
When you made that saintly
Sick little scene?

In your nice blue suit
Oh so “righteously”
You sand in tribute
Of your Mom’s memory.

The church was full
Of people you knew–
But oh, you fraud!
If they only knew you!

Instead of your smiling
Religious face–
You would roast and twist
In hot disgrace.

Perhaps your victims
Would cut off your….
And nail them up
To a handy wall….

We’d get revenge
For all you’ve done
In the name of God
(May His Kingdom come!)

We’d shout your secrets
Nice and loud–
Tell what you did
And broadcast how
In the name of love
And a “Shepherd’s Concern”
You molested the sheep,
Each one in turn.

And those who needed
God’s love could find
How effectively you
Could mess up their minds.

You hypocrite!
I wish you knew
Just what it was
You put us through!

We paid a price
For believing your lies.
Most of us live
And hope you die–
SLOWLY!

“Come on, go with me me-I’ve a game to play…”
(But you can’t believe what big boys say!)
But when my body squirms in strange delight
I know it’s wrong and will never be right.

This can’t be happening-
(I’m just a child!)
But my body responds
And this pervert goes wild.

A response is what he’d been waiting to see–
But why not someone else?
God, why’d it have to be me?

I can’t see the faces
But my body recalls
All the sensations
And that I was small.

This is one picture
I don’t want to see–
I don’t want to accept
That it really was me.

Even though they tell me
We are made to respond
I feel so damned guilty
I don’t want to go on.

So I punish my body
Even yet to this day
Because I was painfully
By my body betrayed.