Daddy, I don’t understand
How this could be part of God’s plan.
You look at me like I’m not there
And act like you don’t even care.

You never left home while I grew
But your love I never quite knew.
You weren’t even part of my life–
Except when your words cut like a knife!

Then when you called me a whore,
I never knew what that was for….
But Daddy, I’m starting to see.
Daddy, you helped do this to me!

You were wrong when you said
God couldn’t love me.
He loves and accepts me, it’s true.
He knows about all that has happened.
And Daddy, He even loves you!

I know you were hurt as a young man.
That’s part of why you hurt me too.
Daddy, I don’t really hate you,
But I’m wounded. I carry scars too.

God knows about Daddys and daughters.
He knows about all of the pain.
With a heart of tender compassion
He longs to free us from the shame.

But Daddy, you have to admit it–
That you need help and that you were wrong.
Then He can mercifully help you
To turn your sorrow into a song.

God gave me people to show me
How Daddy’s should love little girls.
I am so glad that I know now–

I’m not bad! I’m His loved little girl!

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34-I Survived!

January 19, 2009

They said there was no hope for me–
They said I’d surely lose.
They said God couldn’t forgive me–
That destruction was all I could choose.

They said I got what I asked for,
I deserved everything that came.
They said they were better than I was
And that it would never change.

They said that I was stupid and fat
Nobody would ever care.
They said no one would believe me
If my pain I tried to share.

They said I was the family disgrace
(Like the Aunt they couldn’t stand).
They told me they wished I had never been born
(Forgetting life comes from God’s hands).

Guess kids are tough and hard to destroy
No matter how hard you try.
Whatever they did, God gave me the grace–
I’m here to rejoice, I SURVIVED!

33-It Was “That Bad!”

January 19, 2009

Denial–what a wonderful way
To make it through another day.

Take a drink to numb the pain
That’s not really there (it’s all hard to explain).

Pop a pill (not for a thrill)
But just to survive, if you must act alive.

“The way out is through…” so what do I do?
I’m hurt! I’m afraid.
I don’t know what to say!

Am I too bad for God to redeem?
There’s my failure before
(I’m not what I seem).

The pain won’t go away.
The guilt seems here to stay.
Too scared to live. Too tired to die.
Got no more tears left to cry.

Denial worked–now it’s gone.
I hurt. I’m alone.
Not sure how to go on.

Where do I belong?
Been to hell…know it well!
Don’t have a soul left to sell.

So I open my heart–it’s a start.
Rescue me, God.
Or again, as before,
I am gone.
I come to You as I am.
Will You also turn me away?

32-Where Did I Go?

January 19, 2009

The missing years, the empty fears
The empty space hiding my disgrace
(Even from myself…..)

I’m still afraid-that’s nothing new.
Fear’s my old friend–it got me through.

I fractured like a pot of clay
When I “let” the perverts have their way.

I sold my soul to a twisted man
Then fractured again–all I understand.

I didn’t have the tools to be
Whatever it took to be safe or free.

I became a reflection of anyone near
Trying to hide the hurt and the fear.

God, were you there? Did You care?
Do You share the hurt and fear?

Can I be healed? Do I matter at all?
Will I ever be able to feel?

Help me, if You’re there.
I can’t do this alone.
I have nowhere to go.
I won’t let anybody care.

Will You?

26-I Know What He Was

January 19, 2009

My heart racing, in fear facing
The threats that he made–still afraid.

Can’t comprehend–
Thought that he was my friend.
The price of this friendship?
Control. My soul.

He got what he wanted–
(No price was too high).
He’d been taking it all for so long.

I wasn’t the first
(I sure wasn’t the worst!)
So glad I know now what he was.

But I was a fool-
An unfortunate tool.
A way he could get what he sought.

I made him a trade–
(Does that make me a whore?
Gave him my self-respect
For his time?)

I thought that he cared.
Just wasn’t aware of the cost.
I’m shattered, not flattered!
But I wasn’t bad
(I just needed a Dad).
Wanted someone to care-
A person to value my life.
Someone to say,
“I’m with you today.
I’ll be there for you…
Trust me, I care.”

But he lied!
Took what he wanted
Then cast me aside.
Arrogant man of pride.
So much to hide
All still denied.

betrayal, pain….the xxxxx wins again.

BUT NOT NOW!

I know how to be safe.
Guard my space.
It’s OK. I’m not afraid.

A price I paid for my soul
To take back control.
I won’t give it away.
I choose today to live.

25-Child of Mind

January 19, 2009

Look, you child rapist,
What did you mean
When you made that saintly
Sick little scene?

In your nice blue suit
Oh so “righteously”
You sand in tribute
Of your Mom’s memory.

The church was full
Of people you knew–
But oh, you fraud!
If they only knew you!

Instead of your smiling
Religious face–
You would roast and twist
In hot disgrace.

Perhaps your victims
Would cut off your….
And nail them up
To a handy wall….

We’d get revenge
For all you’ve done
In the name of God
(May His Kingdom come!)

We’d shout your secrets
Nice and loud–
Tell what you did
And broadcast how
In the name of love
And a “Shepherd’s Concern”
You molested the sheep,
Each one in turn.

And those who needed
God’s love could find
How effectively you
Could mess up their minds.

You hypocrite!
I wish you knew
Just what it was
You put us through!

We paid a price
For believing your lies.
Most of us live
And hope you die–
SLOWLY!

12-Snakes (*trigger post*)

January 19, 2009

Slithering through the grass
Moving really fast….
He holds the big one high.
(The little girls starts to cry).

Please, no! Not again!
I promise I won’t tell.
I must be really awful
To already live in hell).

Not inside!
Nowhere to hide.
It’s long forked tongue-
(God! I’m so young!)

I try to scream
But he is mean.
(Why am I bad?)
He looks so glad…

I will not tell.
(This must be hell).
His thick, hard snake–
(It makes me shake).
But the skinny one
With the pointed tongue–
Nowhere to hide
As he shoves it inside.

I cannot scream–
(Too afraid. No words to say).
Through the grass,
Moving really fast.
(I must be bad).
This cannot last.
Nowhere to run.
Soon he is done.

A vow is made to never say
The things that were done there that day.

Inside I run, never to be free.
Never again to walk through the grass
Without the fear that is always so near.
Never, never again.

They laugh, I cry!
(God, tell me why!
What did I do
To be left by you?)

I want to die.
I cannot cry.
So I pretend to live again.
But inside, still I know.
Inside, I will always know!