Daddy, I don’t understand
How this could be part of God’s plan.
You look at me like I’m not there
And act like you don’t even care.

You never left home while I grew
But your love I never quite knew.
You weren’t even part of my life–
Except when your words cut like a knife!

Then when you called me a whore,
I never knew what that was for….
But Daddy, I’m starting to see.
Daddy, you helped do this to me!

You were wrong when you said
God couldn’t love me.
He loves and accepts me, it’s true.
He knows about all that has happened.
And Daddy, He even loves you!

I know you were hurt as a young man.
That’s part of why you hurt me too.
Daddy, I don’t really hate you,
But I’m wounded. I carry scars too.

God knows about Daddys and daughters.
He knows about all of the pain.
With a heart of tender compassion
He longs to free us from the shame.

But Daddy, you have to admit it–
That you need help and that you were wrong.
Then He can mercifully help you
To turn your sorrow into a song.

God gave me people to show me
How Daddy’s should love little girls.
I am so glad that I know now–

I’m not bad! I’m His loved little girl!

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34-I Survived!

January 19, 2009

They said there was no hope for me–
They said I’d surely lose.
They said God couldn’t forgive me–
That destruction was all I could choose.

They said I got what I asked for,
I deserved everything that came.
They said they were better than I was
And that it would never change.

They said that I was stupid and fat
Nobody would ever care.
They said no one would believe me
If my pain I tried to share.

They said I was the family disgrace
(Like the Aunt they couldn’t stand).
They told me they wished I had never been born
(Forgetting life comes from God’s hands).

Guess kids are tough and hard to destroy
No matter how hard you try.
Whatever they did, God gave me the grace–
I’m here to rejoice, I SURVIVED!

33-It Was “That Bad!”

January 19, 2009

Denial–what a wonderful way
To make it through another day.

Take a drink to numb the pain
That’s not really there (it’s all hard to explain).

Pop a pill (not for a thrill)
But just to survive, if you must act alive.

“The way out is through…” so what do I do?
I’m hurt! I’m afraid.
I don’t know what to say!

Am I too bad for God to redeem?
There’s my failure before
(I’m not what I seem).

The pain won’t go away.
The guilt seems here to stay.
Too scared to live. Too tired to die.
Got no more tears left to cry.

Denial worked–now it’s gone.
I hurt. I’m alone.
Not sure how to go on.

Where do I belong?
Been to hell…know it well!
Don’t have a soul left to sell.

So I open my heart–it’s a start.
Rescue me, God.
Or again, as before,
I am gone.
I come to You as I am.
Will You also turn me away?

32-Where Did I Go?

January 19, 2009

The missing years, the empty fears
The empty space hiding my disgrace
(Even from myself…..)

I’m still afraid-that’s nothing new.
Fear’s my old friend–it got me through.

I fractured like a pot of clay
When I “let” the perverts have their way.

I sold my soul to a twisted man
Then fractured again–all I understand.

I didn’t have the tools to be
Whatever it took to be safe or free.

I became a reflection of anyone near
Trying to hide the hurt and the fear.

God, were you there? Did You care?
Do You share the hurt and fear?

Can I be healed? Do I matter at all?
Will I ever be able to feel?

Help me, if You’re there.
I can’t do this alone.
I have nowhere to go.
I won’t let anybody care.

Will You?

28-The Old Ladies Say

January 19, 2009

“You have wonderful parents,”
The old ladies say.
And I smile and say, “Thank you,”
In my most gracious way.

(If only they knew
What goes on at home,
They’d never believe
There’s a God on his throne!)

“They do so much for others,”
The old ladies say.
“I’ve known them for years.”
(You don’t know them today!)

Hey, little old lady,
I’ve got news for you!
You’ve got NO idea
What my parents can do!

The yelling, the cussing,
The violence and fear–
Our house don’t sound like heaven
(Let me make that point clear!)

But I smile and say, “Thank you,”
While I hate their sweet guts
For saying I’m so lucky
To be raised by these nuts!

20-Empty Eyes

January 19, 2009

Empty eyes (my disguise).
It looks like I don’t care.

That’s about right-
Lost the will to fight
May be present, but I’m not there.

Mamma’s screams,
The haunted dreams.
I hide behind my hair.

Don’t want to see
What’s been done to me.
(I withdraw in silent despair).

With angry disgust
I’m hit and cussed.
Guess Mamma’s at it again.

Slapped in the face–
(She can’t see my disgrace).
In her rage, she can’t see at all
The hurt in my, why I try to flee.

She doesn’t want to look at the sight
Of the hollow-eyed girl
With the long reddish curls
Who no longer makes her look all right.

My hair got all snipped
‘Cause Mamma got flipped.
My heart got a brand new scar.
But with empty eyes
I accepted the lies
That that’s just the way things are.