Daddy, I don’t understand
How this could be part of God’s plan.
You look at me like I’m not there
And act like you don’t even care.

You never left home while I grew
But your love I never quite knew.
You weren’t even part of my life–
Except when your words cut like a knife!

Then when you called me a whore,
I never knew what that was for….
But Daddy, I’m starting to see.
Daddy, you helped do this to me!

You were wrong when you said
God couldn’t love me.
He loves and accepts me, it’s true.
He knows about all that has happened.
And Daddy, He even loves you!

I know you were hurt as a young man.
That’s part of why you hurt me too.
Daddy, I don’t really hate you,
But I’m wounded. I carry scars too.

God knows about Daddys and daughters.
He knows about all of the pain.
With a heart of tender compassion
He longs to free us from the shame.

But Daddy, you have to admit it–
That you need help and that you were wrong.
Then He can mercifully help you
To turn your sorrow into a song.

God gave me people to show me
How Daddy’s should love little girls.
I am so glad that I know now–

I’m not bad! I’m His loved little girl!

34-I Survived!

January 19, 2009

They said there was no hope for me–
They said I’d surely lose.
They said God couldn’t forgive me–
That destruction was all I could choose.

They said I got what I asked for,
I deserved everything that came.
They said they were better than I was
And that it would never change.

They said that I was stupid and fat
Nobody would ever care.
They said no one would believe me
If my pain I tried to share.

They said I was the family disgrace
(Like the Aunt they couldn’t stand).
They told me they wished I had never been born
(Forgetting life comes from God’s hands).

Guess kids are tough and hard to destroy
No matter how hard you try.
Whatever they did, God gave me the grace–
I’m here to rejoice, I SURVIVED!

33-It Was “That Bad!”

January 19, 2009

Denial–what a wonderful way
To make it through another day.

Take a drink to numb the pain
That’s not really there (it’s all hard to explain).

Pop a pill (not for a thrill)
But just to survive, if you must act alive.

“The way out is through…” so what do I do?
I’m hurt! I’m afraid.
I don’t know what to say!

Am I too bad for God to redeem?
There’s my failure before
(I’m not what I seem).

The pain won’t go away.
The guilt seems here to stay.
Too scared to live. Too tired to die.
Got no more tears left to cry.

Denial worked–now it’s gone.
I hurt. I’m alone.
Not sure how to go on.

Where do I belong?
Been to hell…know it well!
Don’t have a soul left to sell.

So I open my heart–it’s a start.
Rescue me, God.
Or again, as before,
I am gone.
I come to You as I am.
Will You also turn me away?

32-Where Did I Go?

January 19, 2009

The missing years, the empty fears
The empty space hiding my disgrace
(Even from myself…..)

I’m still afraid-that’s nothing new.
Fear’s my old friend–it got me through.

I fractured like a pot of clay
When I “let” the perverts have their way.

I sold my soul to a twisted man
Then fractured again–all I understand.

I didn’t have the tools to be
Whatever it took to be safe or free.

I became a reflection of anyone near
Trying to hide the hurt and the fear.

God, were you there? Did You care?
Do You share the hurt and fear?

Can I be healed? Do I matter at all?
Will I ever be able to feel?

Help me, if You’re there.
I can’t do this alone.
I have nowhere to go.
I won’t let anybody care.

Will You?

27-If We Ever Tried to Tell

January 19, 2009

He said we’d go to hell
If we ever tried to tell;
that we were the ones to blame
Since we played his little “game.”

But when she told it all
(Assuming HE would fall)
None of us girls knew
What they were going to put her through.

They said she was a whore–
That “she got what she asked for.”
We listened to her plight
Then shook with rage and fright.

We’d done the best we could
but it hadn’t done any good.
They let this snake go free
And judged girls like her and me!

We watched them tell her
That God would forgive her
If she confessed how bad she’d been.

We watched them tell her
To keep her mouth shut
And not speak against this “good” man.

We watched him laugh
And snicker with glee
Then go out and do it again!!!

We were punished–
We live with the shame.
While he got away with it all.

Some got diseases,
Some just got crazy.
Some died with no help to call.

Still there are those
Who have a desire
To believe this is not how things were.

They want to pretend
It all would have been fine
“If it wasn’t for people like her.”

I learned from observing
How all this went down
That there is no help in the church.

The truth brought you bondage–
It didn’t “set you free”.
In fact, it made everything worse!

So don’t trust the Pharisees–
They cover their ears
And don’t ever believe what you say.

If you look to them
You’ll be dying alone.
That’s just the reasonable way.

25-Child of Mind

January 19, 2009

Look, you child rapist,
What did you mean
When you made that saintly
Sick little scene?

In your nice blue suit
Oh so “righteously”
You sand in tribute
Of your Mom’s memory.

The church was full
Of people you knew–
But oh, you fraud!
If they only knew you!

Instead of your smiling
Religious face–
You would roast and twist
In hot disgrace.

Perhaps your victims
Would cut off your….
And nail them up
To a handy wall….

We’d get revenge
For all you’ve done
In the name of God
(May His Kingdom come!)

We’d shout your secrets
Nice and loud–
Tell what you did
And broadcast how
In the name of love
And a “Shepherd’s Concern”
You molested the sheep,
Each one in turn.

And those who needed
God’s love could find
How effectively you
Could mess up their minds.

You hypocrite!
I wish you knew
Just what it was
You put us through!

We paid a price
For believing your lies.
Most of us live
And hope you die–
SLOWLY!

Jesus loves the little children?
Oh really? Yes, I see…
He must love the other children
(This don’t look like love to me!)

In the car, while Mom hits Dad
And we sit in the back
Afraid and sad
As we drive to the church
And park in a row
Where all those nice people
That Jesus loves go…..

I think of the words
Those nice ladies say,
“You can get what you want
From God if you pray.”
So I pray, and I pray,
And I pray and I pray….
(But it never makes
The pain go away).

So sometimes I wonder why
I am so bad
That Jesus can’t love me
And neither can Dad.